The Pokemon MarySue
by moonlily
Summary: A standard Suefic from the Pokemons' POV. Now with extra cardboard.
1. Chapter One

Disclaimer; I do not own Pokemon or anything else in this fan fic except for Celandine, but I'll be happy to give her away.  
  
An alarm clock went off. It rang continuously for a few minutes, before an arm emerged from a cocoon of blankets and swiped at the alarm clock, sending it flying onto the floor. MarySue - the ultimate, the Queen of all other MarySues, rolled out of bed, landing not-so-gracefully on the alarm clock. It wasn't going to be a good day.  
  
However, after three espressos and a tube of sherbet, Queen MarySue was feeling much better. She skipped over to her computer, swinging her mousy brown hair. She really felt like writing a story. She hadn't written a story herself since she'd been elected Queen, preferring to slip poisonous plot bunnies into some poor innocent writer's imagination and let them do the dirty work while she watched over their shoulder.  
  
But today would be different. Queen MarySue plopped down into her twirly chair, spun round three times for luck and opened up Microsoft Word.  
  
A/N; If any of you fanfic authors out there find yourselves spinning around three times before writing a story, then the MarySue Queen has you in her clutches. Beware.  
  
Queen MarySue giggled like a demented Fanfiction virus and started typing.  
  
Ash ran after his little yellow Pokemon, clutching a bundle of sticks.  
  
"Pikachu, wait up! Come back! Oof!" Ash lay sprawled where he had fallen, his small pile of twigs spread out in front of him.  
  
"Stupid rock." Then something clicked in Ash's mind. He hadn't tripped over a rock. Pikachu came back. "Pika?"  
  
Ash sat up and twisted round to see what he had fallen over. A pair of feet was sticking out of a nearby holly bush. Ash tugged at the feet and a young girl about Ash's age slid out into view, somehow contriving not to get her face scratched.  
  
A/N; Never saw that one coming, did you, readers?  
  
Ash looked at the girl in shock for a few seconds, before automatically reaching for a Pokeball and releasing Charizard.  
  
"Charizard, carry her back to camp." Ash commanded, before turning and walking back to their camp in a daze.  
  
When the trio reached the camp, Charizard dropped the unconscious girl onto a conveniently placed table and stomped off, presumably to wash every part of him that touched the bimbo.  
  
Brock rushed over. He has girl radar, you see. The teenager took one look at the unconscious girl and gasped. The girl was stunningly beautiful. Long curly silver hair fell to her waist and she had flawless golden skin.  
  
Misty returned from the spring with a bucket of water. Brock refused to drink the water that came out of the Squirtle. She bent over the unconscious kid and gasped. Water splashed out of the bucket and fell like rain onto the comatose girl's face. The girl sat up and stretched prettily. When she opened her eyes, Ash saw that she had incredibly huge starry violet eyes. Misty squealed, despite the fact that she had never squealed before in her life, and flung her arms around the girl's neck.  
  
"Do you know her?" Ash inquired pointlessly.  
  
"Yes I do, this is my younger, much beloved but never-before-mentioned younger sister Celandine Waterflower!" Misty said happily. Pikachu blinked. Misty only has three sisters, and that girl isn't one of them.he thought to himself.  
  
"Your younger sister? Oh right. That makes perfect sense." Ash said. For a moment Pikachu thought he was joking, but then realized he was completely serious. There was something twisted going on here.  
  
"Are you on your Pokemon journey?" Celandine inquired, blinking her violet eyes at Ash. Ash blushed and muttered something incoherent.  
  
"May I travel along with you?" Celandine asked plaintively. "I have Pokemon of my own, see?"  
  
She released a Vaporeon, Kadabra, Jolteon, Flareon, Bellossom, and a Pikachu suddenly materialised, neatly perched on her shoulder. Pikachu glared at her and her Pokemon. No-one else seemed to have noticed anything out of the ordinary.  
  
"Shall we leave now?" Celandine inquired, swinging her abnormally long legs off the table and picking up a suddenly-there rucksack from the ground. She turned and, with a triumphant butt-wiggle, strolled off down an equally suddenly-there woodland path. Ash, Misty and Brock followed her like drones. Pikachu hopped up onto Ash's backpack and folded his little arms, glaring at Celandine's mass of silver hair. He was going to keep an eye on her. 


	2. The chapter which comes after Chapter On...

For disclaimer see Chapter 1. I can't be bothered to type it again. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------  
  
Pikachu looked at Celandine's back and frowned. At least he did the closest imitation his little yellow face could handle. His trainer and Brock were trekking along behind Celandine, gaping stupidly at her long wavy hair. They looked like a pair of Slow - Wavy? Wasn't it curly when Ash found her? Yet another disturbing change. In the fifteen minutes that she had been leading then to goodness knows where, the Pikachu perched on her shoulder had magically transformed from a normal Pikachu to a Shining Pikachu. Just then, there was a rustle in the undergrowth and -whaddaya know- Team Rocket jumped out.  
  
"Prepare for trouble!"  
  
"Make it double!"  
  
"To protect the world from devastation!"  
  
"To unite all peoples within - Hey Jessie! It's her!"  
  
"Oh good! We can catch all their Pokemon and the runaway too!"  
  
What, so she's on the run from Team Rocket? Oh there's a surprise, Pikachu thought. That was when a voice called "Pikachu, go!" All right, a battle! Pikachu leapt forward, ready for a fight, cheeks already crackling with electricity. Then it dawned on him that Ash hadn't said that. Ash was still gawping like a moron at Celandine's newly-straight always-perfect hair. Pikachu looked round; half-afraid of what he might see. Celandine was standing behind her own Pikachu. It was her who'd shouted the command. Pikachu - our own, beloved non-shiny Pikachu- stomped back to Ash, folded his arms, and plopped down onto the floor.  
  
Celandine's Pikachu, not surprisingly, blew Team Rocket away with a Thunderpunch. The evil trio soared gracefully through the air and into a tree. Celandine turned her back on the unconscious villains and glided off along the woodland path. Ash got woodenly to his feet and started off after her, but Brock, who seemed to have maintained some fragment of his personality, held him back.  
  
"Uh, Celandine? Why are the Team Rockets after you?"  
  
Celandine sighed and turned around. "To answer that, I would have to tell you the whole long traumatic story of my life, and it is long and traumatic."  
  
No.really? Pikachu thought to himself, a little resentfully. He would never get any good fights if this bimbo girl hogged them all.  
  
"Oh no, Celandine, please tell us the story of your long, traumatic life." Brock said innocently.  
  
"Yeah, please tell us." Ash echoed, like the good little mindless drone that he was. Celandine sighed - again - and began. "As a young child, I was stolen from my parents by Team Rocket and left on a snowy mountain. But the three legendary birds Articuno, Moltres and Zapdos found me and I was raised by them. I lived with them for five years and received from them my gift of speaking with Pokemon. But then a group of Team Rockets came to capture the birds. I warned the birds and saved them, but the Rockets caught me instead. They took me back to their leader, Giovanni, who adopted me. When I was seven, he realised that I was more intelligent and inventive than even his greatest scientists, so he set me to build a machine that would emit a homing signal to all Pokemon, so they would all be drawn to the Team Rocket headquarters. But when I realized what the machine was to be used for, I ran away and took the blueprints for the machine with me. None of the Rocket scientists could understand the machine and they didn't have the blueprints, so, as I was the only one who could continue building the machine, Giovanni sent his Team Rocket grunts after me." As Celandine finished her sad, traumatic tale, Misty wiped a tear from her eye and said fondly "That's my brave little sister!" Ash and Brock applauded. Pikachu didn't say anything. Partly because he couldn't speak, and partly because he was already gaping at her in horror.  
  
That Evening.  
  
Pikachu glanced around cautiously. Celandine's Pokemon were all sitting right on the other side of the camp, but there was no point taking chances. The super-bimbo herself had gone out to find firewood with Brock. Pikachu turned back into the huddle.  
  
"What's up?" Squirtle asked.  
  
"Yeah, I'm hungry!" Bulbasaur complained. Pikachu waved his arms for silence. "Okay pokemon, we have a problem. Something evil has infiltrated our group. Something none of us can ever hope to defeat. A MARY-SUE."  
  
Bulbasaur groaned and fainted into his food bowl. Vulpix raised her head. "What's a Mary-Sue?" the fox Pokemon inquired. Charizard answered her.  
  
"A Mary-Sue is a thing that first appeared about twenty years ago, maybe. No-one actually knows where they came from, though some people think they're actually a rare - though unfortunately not extinct- type of Pokemon. They're always beautiful, excellent Pokemon trainers, have some sort of special power with Pokemon, and are usually related to a famous person. All boys they meet instantly love them due to some kind of Bug Pokemon pheromes or something. In short, they are perfect bimbo girls who try to steal our trainers away from us." The orange dragon rumbled.  
  
"But she can't do that! Everyone with eyes can see that Ash and Misty are made for each other." Staryu interrupted.  
  
"You're just biased in her favour because she's your trainer." Geodude pointed out.  
  
"Oh, so you think Brock and Misty might work better? Or maybe Ash and Brock?" Squirtle giggled, but Charizard shot him a glare that could freeze a Magmar and he shut up. "You know who I think would go well together? Brock and that psycho psychic girl who tried to kill us all. They're both Gym Leaders, after all." Togepi said through a mouthful of PokeChow.  
  
Squirtle giggled again. Yet another Magmar-freezing glare was sent his way.  
  
Pikachu picked up a small twig and rapped it on Onix. Onix didn't notice, probably because he was made of rock. "Hey! Can we get back to the main problem here? Right. Good. We need to get rid of this 'Mary-Sue' fast, okay? Can everyone try and think of an idea to do that?" Pikachu glanced back at Celandine's Pokemon, just to make sure they hadn't scooted closer since the last time he'd checked them. To his horror, the Shining Pikachu was staring back at him and batting her eyelids. Pikachu gulped. "As quickly as possible." He amended. Then Brock and Celandine walked back into the clearing, Celandine grinning like a Persian who'd got the cream and with her arm looped through Brock's.  
  
"Guess what?" Brock announced proudly. "Celandine says that, if I pay for everything, I can take her to dinner and a movie when we reach Fuchsia City! Isn't that brilliant?"  
  
"Before we reach Fuchsia City, then." Pikachu corrected himself. 


	3. Chapter Three

Celandine was curled up happily by the campfire with her arm draped possessively round Brock's shoulders. The pair were discussing Pokemon breeding. The thirteen-year-old seemed to know everything there was to know about Pokemon. Just how did that work?  
  
Pikachu paused for a second. Hang on- How can she be Misty's younger sister if she's two years older than her? That just didn't add up. Oh well. The twit would be out of there soon enough.  
  
Pikachu spotted Vulpix wandering casually around the fire towards Brock and Celandine, ready for Phase One of Operation Kill-Misty's-Sister. The Pokemon currently had three plans to get rid of her, but this one was Pikachu's favourite. Vulpix strolled to a spot just behind the unsuspecting Mary-Sue and sat down, innocently washing a paw.  
  
Pikachu glanced over to check on Celandine and found that she had released her Shiny Pikachu and was teaching it to juggle Pokeballs. Ugh, the humiliation!  
  
Suddenly, Zubat edged out from behind Ash and waggled his ears slightly, the signal for 'I'm ready to kick Celandine's butt.' Togepi had suggested a code of blinks, but that had been dropped when Zubat and Staryu pointed out that they didn't actually have eyes.  
  
Zubat flew straight into Celandine's face and Celandine shrieked, batting at the bat Pokemon and tripping over onto Vulpix.  
  
Thereby giving Vulpix an excuse to fry her head. Celandine shrieked for the second time in as many minutes. Ash leapt to his feet, grabbed a Pokeball and threw it, shouting, "Squirtle! I choose you!"  
  
Squirtle came out of the Pokeball with a grin plastered all over his face. He'd hoped he would get a chance to join in.  
  
"Put Celandine's head out!" Ash and Brock both hollered. Squirtle blinked, then retreated inside his shell and pretended to fall asleep.  
  
Celandine plunged her head into the water bucket with a loud sizzle. Clouds of steam wafted everywhere. The girl jerked her head out. She probably would have been scowling if that hadn't been MarySue taboo. Her hair was soot-blackened and standing up in all directions and her face - let's not talk about her face.  
  
"Um, Celandine?" Ash said uncertainly. "Your hair - it's, very, um."  
  
Celandine flashed him a smile that could light up Dark Cave. "Yes, I know, it looks horrific. Fortunately, I'm a qualified hairdresser!" She shot him another sickeningly perky smile.  
  
Drat! Pikachu thought. Stupid perfect MarySue with all her perfect qualifications. Bet she's a movie star as well.  
  
Five minutes, three bottles of shampoo, and a pair of scissors later, Celandine's hair was back to relatively normal. Considerably shorter, yes, but still.  
  
Pikachu wandered around to Celandine's side and muttered through his teeth, "I'm onto you, Celandine, and you're in big trouble."  
  
"I think not, baby Pikachu, it is you who is in trouble." Celandine shot back, smirking. Shoot. She'd seen Persians and Houndours. He'd hoped she hadn't. It was one of his favourite movies.  
  
"What are you talking about, Celandine?" Ash called from the other side of the campsite.  
  
"Oh, Pikachu noticed my Pikachu Sparki juggling and wants me to teach him how to juggle!" Celandine said cheerfully, sending yet another sweet smile Ash's way.  
  
Brock looked slightly jealous of all the smiles Ash was getting, Pikachu noticed before Celandine's words sank in. Juggling?? He had to juggle? Celandine was cruel, and vindictive.  
  
"And then the sweet little darling says he'll taste-test my tofu brownies!" the girl added, shooting a poisonous glare at Pikachu.  
  
And could apparently read minds.  
  
Pikachu tossed one Pokeball up in the air, caught another as it fell, threw himself on the floor to catch one more, and the last ball landed on his foot. Ash, Misty, and Brock all applauded. Celandine quite pointedly didn't.  
  
Pikachu sat up, rolling Ash's Pokeballs back in his direction and then stood up, wobbling slightly. Celandine emerged from behind the tents wearing a pair of oven mitts and carrying a baking tray. For a moment Pikachu wondered what it was, then remembered. The tofu brownies. Oh no. 


	4. Chapter Four

Pikachu finished the last tofu brownie with a grimace. They hadn't tasted that bad after all. He should have known. All Mary-Sues are perfect cooks.  
  
"Hey, Pikachu?" Squirtle inquired. " Uh, not to worry or anything, but I did some calculations and at the speed we're going." He trailed off.  
  
"What?" Pikachu demanded.  
  
"We should reach Fuchsia City sometime tomorrow morning." Squirtle finished lamely.  
  
Pikachu goggled at the turtle Pokemon. "T-tomorrow? But that's impossible! Yesterday there was thirty miles to go!"  
  
"Well, we've been going much faster since Celandine joined us." Squirtle pointed out. "Plus we seem to have teleported past two forests and over a river."  
  
"I should have known. Well, call an emergency meeting. All the Pokemon."  
  
"Even Psyduck?" Squirtle queried. Psyduck hadn't actually attended the first meeting. He'd forgotten to come.  
  
"Yes, even Psyduck. Drag him there by his tail if you have to."  
  
Pikachu rapped a twig on Onix for attention. Squirtle had just told all the other Pokemon the results of his calculations and they had immediately started to panic. Vulpix was running around in circles shrieking loudly. Apparently she wasn't looking forward to Brock and Celandine's imminent date. Pikachu wasn't either.  
  
"QUIET!!" Charizard bellowed. Pikachu smiled thankfully at him.  
  
"Right. Well, that's the problem. Anyone got a solution?" Pikachu looked around the group. Everyone looked at their toes.  
  
"Anyone at all." Still no ideas.  
  
"Psyduck? What do you think?" Psyduck glanced up, surprised. "Huh? Wha?"  
  
"What do you think we should do about Celandine?" Pikachu said, slowly and clearly. A dreamy look came over Psyduck's face. "Yeah, Celandine. Isn't she amazing?"  
  
Pikachu gaped at him as the full extent of Psyduck's words sank in. "Uh, Psyduck, maybe you should go lie down or something, I think you might have a fever."  
  
"Okay!!" Psyduck sing-songed and he toddled off to his Pokeball. Pikachu watched him go, before wheeling round, grabbing Bulbasaur and wailing into his face, "She's got Psyduck!!"  
  
"Calm down! Calm! Ten deep breaths!" Bulbasaur shouted, near hysteria himself.  
  
"I thought we were immune to her?" Vulpix said slowly.  
  
"Well apparently we're not." Pikachu said slowly. "Maybe it just takes longer."  
  
"How much longer?" Vulpix asked, eyes wide in fright.  
  
Pikachu shrugged. "Dunno. Maybe it depends on the Poke-"  
  
"Quiet!" Squirtle hissed, pointing over Pikachu's shoulder at something behind him. Pikachu turned, steeling himself to cope with whatever it was. When he saw it, he nearly fainted anyway. Celandine's Pikachu - what was it's name? Spooki? Soupi? Sparki, that's it - was standing there batting her long, spiky spider-legs eyelashes at him.  
  
"Hi there, big guy." She said sweetly. Then, obviously mistaking Pikachu's confused expression fir one of unrequited love, she leant forward, gave him a swift peck on the cheek, and strolled away. Swinging her butt considerably more than necessary, I might add.  
  
Pikachu watched her walk away, completely shellshocked. "Big guy? What's that supposed to mean?"  
  
Togepi opened his mouth to speak.  
  
"Actually, don't tell me." Pikachu said hurridly. 


	5. Chapter 5 In Which Very Strange Unlikely...

Response to reviewers; It's late, I know.  
  
The Review Guy; Thanks for the Staryu-eyes thing, I'd forgotten that. My bad. Thanks for the reviews! I read your 'The Revenge of the Author Characters' ; it's awesome, especially the Mewtwentysevenpointfivethree.  
  
Pokemaniac Hanni: Thanks, you're wonderful. Don't worry, Ash is safe from the MarySue in this story. Though if you really want to kill Celandine, you'll have to get in the queue. BTW, I read your bio. You lucky, lucky person, living that close to the Pokemon Centre. I live in England. Poor me. :- (  
  
Topaz; Thanks! I love praise! Sorry but I can't post this at the Pokemon Tower; the submitting instructions are too difficult for my tiny brain to handle.  
  
The group scrambled up the hill overlooking Fuchsia City and looked down on it. Celandine gasped. Pikachu had no idea why, Fuchsia City looked just like all the other cities they'd been to. Dramatic effect, maybe.  
  
"Wicked funky! Come on, let's go!" Brock shouted.  
  
"Wicked funky?" Togepi repeated. "What's that supposed to mean?" Pikachu shrugged.  
  
"Oof!" Brock said as he tripped over a tree root, presumably one from the oak tree fifty feet away, rolled down the slope, smacked into a rock, and lay motionless.  
  
"No! Oh, Brock, my love!" Celandine cried dramatically, running down the slope towards him yet somehow not ruining her designer Gucci heels.  
  
"For pity's sake, woman, he tripped over a root." Togepi remarked. "It's not like a Rhydon fell on his head or anything."  
  
"Female empowerment!" Starmie hollered, voice muffled from inside her Pokeball.  
  
Pikachu frowned. "Shouldn't he have gotten up by now?"  
  
"Yeah, I think he should have," Topepi said, evaluating the damage. "And why is he bleeding so much? He didn't even hit his head."  
  
Pikachu frowned. Again. It was something he seemed to be doing more and more often these days. "He'll be okay though, right?"  
  
"Yeah, see, he's getting up." Mewtwo said.  
  
"Mewtwo!" Pikachu exclaimed. "What are you doing here?"  
  
Mewtwo waved a paw at Fuchsia City. "Oh, you know, just admiring the view." Pikachu and Togepi stared at him, eyes narrowed, clearly not believing a word he said. "Or plotting to use Fuchsia City in my bid for world domination, whatever floats your boat."  
  
"You're plotting world domination again?" Pikachu said, surprised. "I thought you gave that up."  
  
"Well, three days ago I woke up and decided to take over the world. Mew doesn't like it, though. She's threatening to divorce me." Mewtwo nodded seriously. "Oh well." He snapped his fingers and teleported away.  
  
"Three days ago." Togepi said thoughtfully. "That's about when Celandine arrived, isn't it?"  
  
"You don't think she could have - shush, she's coming back."  
  
Brock limped up the slope towards them, hanging pointlessly onto Celandine's arm.  
  
"Brock!" Misty gushed. "You're alive!"  
  
"Yes, Misty, I was truly dead." Brock said dramatically. 'Dramatic' seemed to be the word of the day. "But your beautiful sister restored me to life by weeping over my body." Celandine smiled sweetly, while shooting a look at Pikachu that said quite clearly, 'Don't even think about spoiling my romantic moment.'  
  
"How did Brock die from tripping over a tree root?" Togepi wondered out loud. "Seems a bit unlikely to me."  
  
"Oh My Gawd, they killed Brock!" Vulpix yelled from inside her Pokeball. Celandine's smug grin flickered for just an instant. Pikachu sniggered.  
  
Ash leapt up. Even though he hadn't actually sat down. "What are we waiting for! Come on, I want my next badge!"  
  
Pikachu looked at Celandine, guessing what she would say next. She didn't disappoint him. "I also must defeat this Gym Leader to prove my worth as a trainer." Having said that, she nanced off down the hillside. Brock followed her like a dog on a leash. 


	6. Chapter Six

Response to reviewers;  
  
Topaz2; Aw, you're too kind. Thanks anyway!  
  
The Review Guy; Yup, Evil!Mewtwo is back. The realms of the Mary Sue are boring and unoriginal.  
  
ImagineThat; Don't worry. He will. Muahaha!  
  
The group traipsed merrily into the Fuchsia City Pokemon Centre much like that kid Dorothy and her buddies on the yellow brick road. Celandine walked straight over to Nurse Joy's desk, pretending not to notice the stares and catcalls that followed her. Whatever else she is, she's not that good an actress, Pikachu thought with a snigger. Maybe by human standards. . . Togepi was much better at acting. He'd managed to persuade the whole trio that he was a tiny helpless Pokemon instead of an insanely powerful one just biding his time. How unobservant were they?  
  
Celandine was standing by the PokeCentre desk, alternately tossing her silver mane - it was wavy again now - and tapping one foot on the ground.  
  
"Hel-lo!" she called. "Nurse Jo-oy!" Nurse Jo-oy - erm, sorry, Nurse Joy - came around the corner, smiling sweetly.  
  
"Hello, may I help - Oh! It's Celandine Waterflower, my second cousin twice removed on my mother's side!"  
  
"She's got Nurse Joy as well!" Togepi said in horror. Pikachu nodded slowly, horrorstruck. Ash, Misty and Brock were one thing, but Nurse Joy? They didn't even see her that often!  
  
"Come on, Pikachu." Ash said in his now-familiar monotone. "Get in the Pokeball so Nurse Joy can heal you."  
  
"Since when do you have to be in a Pokeball to get hea - oh, I hate this place!" Pikachu complained, finding himself stuck in his Pokeball again. He really didn't like it. Like all Pikachus, Pikachu was slightly claustrophobic. (There's a reason they hate Pokeballs so much, you know.) At least healing only took a few minutes.  
  
"Hey, Pikachu." Bulbasaur said from the Pokeball next door, voice echoing spookily. "I was just talking to Squirtle and he thinks that some of the plans we made a few days ago could be altered for Fuchsia City."  
  
Pikachu nodded thoughtfully before remembering that Bulbasaur couldn't see him. "Um, yeah, that one Staryu thought of would work if we found a little table to put the bowl on, wouldn't it?"  
  
"Yeah, though I don't how how we'll get it the right temperature without the campfire - eh? Wossat?"  
  
Pikachu grinned. One of the Pokemon beyond Bulbasaur must be passing along a message.  
  
"Hey, Pikachu, Squirtle says Charizard says he could heat it up with Flamethrower attack." Bulbasaur said after a few seconds.  
  
Pikachu grinned evilly. "Excellent."  
  
"Out you come, Pikachu!" Ash boomed and the next second Pikachu was out of his Ball again and back in the Pokemon centre. "Come on, we have to go fight the Gym Leader!" Ash raced out of the door, somehow forgetting to take Pikachu with him. The little yellow mouse trailed along behind him, thinking that if Ash kept up that speed he would sprain an ankle.  
  
"Gah!"  
  
Too late. 


	7. Chapter Seven Fuchsia Gym

To My Beloved Reviewers; Woo! Thirteen reviews! The lucky number!  
  
Pokemaniac Hanni; Wow. WOW. That must be the pooballalyically longest review in the history of the universe. (See, I can make up words too.) I'm sorry that I had to make Mewtwo evil again. He was the most clichéd super- villain I could think of.  
  
The Review Guy; Oh, that will be funny. I read your Jack Hammer fic, Fisher Ralph seems very.clinically deranged. And who said anything about Celandine capturing Mewtwo? Certainly not me. Muahaha.  
  
Topaz2; Yes. It was short. My muse was on vacation in Hawaii.  
  
Oooh, and if anyone can guess what the Pokemon were plotting last chapter, they get an imaginary cookie! Which is a good thing, because then you could eat it with your imaginary mouth or feed it to the imaginary birdies.  
  
Ash skidded into the Fuchsia City Gym, Pikachu a few steps behind him. Celandine sauntered through after them, flipping her hair and trying very hard to look as if she hadn't sprinted all the way there. It wasn't working. Brock followed Celandine; Misty had somehow vanished into thin air.  
  
Pikachu blinked in confusion. He'd always heard that the Fuchsia Gym was a ninja hideout on the outskirts of the city, but this Gym was smack dab in the city centre, painted bright fluorescent pink, and incredibly tacky. How strange.  
  
A large, illuminated, neon pink sign attached to the door proclaimed, "Trainers! Find your way to the centre of the maze to challenge Koga! First trainer to reach him each day wins a prize!!!!"  
  
Celandine pushed past Ash, Brock, and Pikachu, then paused with one hand on the doorhandle. "Are you coming?" she inquired in that annoying silvery voice of hers. The one that made Pikachu want to pull out all her lovely pearly teeth and make her eat them. Now there was a wonderful mental image.  
  
"Unless you're scared?" Celandine teased. In an exceptionally childish manner, Pikachu thought. She opened the door and went through. Brock and Ash scuttled after her.  
  
They now stood in what looked like a narrow, dim corridor leading off to the left and right. Ash shivered. "Do not fear, for I know how to get round a maze." Celandine said grandly. "Just follow the right hand wall."  
  
"Left hand wall, actually." Pikachu said, just quietly enough for Celandine not to hear him. He didn't want her to lead them the right way, after all. It would be so much funnier if she got lost. Celandine cleared her throat importantly, put her left hand up to the wall, and started walking. Ash and Brock followed her as if they were attached to her with string. It was really very odd. Pikachu kept close to Ash's ankle. It wasn't that he was scared of the dark. He just didn't like it much.  
  
Celandine strode on through the darkness in an overly melodramatic way, flipping her hair and glancing around. Probably to find more admirers.  
  
"Hey! Stop right there! It's time for a battle!" A short trainer, slightly on the plump side, came haring out of nowhere. Pikachu blinked. That couldn't have happened. There was no way that trainer could have appeared out of thin air like that. For pity's sake, even the teleportation they learned at Sabrina's gym was slightly noticeable. The humans - let's call Celandine a human for the sake of short sentences - didn't seem to have noticed anything out of the ordinary.  
  
"A battle, you say? Then a battle you shall get!" Celandine declared, flipping her hair and striking a heroic pose. Pikachu yawned loudly and obviously.  
  
"Uh, okay!" the Junior Trainer blurted. "One on one, I choose you, Charmeleon!"  
  
"Pikachu! Show this shrimp who's boss!"  
  
That was one of the worst battle cries I ever heard, Pikachu thought. And personally, I would have used that Vaporeon. I've heard a lot about Mary Sues, but I never realized they had the intelligence of a walnut.  
  
"Celandine, don't! You'll be hurt!" Brock cried.  
  
"Oh, stuff it." Vulpix said irritably from her Pokeball. "The trainer can't be attacked during a battle, it says so in the Pokemon League rulebook. What are they doing now?"  
  
Pikachu watched the scene carefully, though I'm sure he would rather have gouged out his own eyes and fed them to a Houndoom. "Uh. Celandine's sent out her Pikachu against that Charmeleon-"  
  
"What an idiot." Vulpix put in.  
  
"Exactly, but that's not important right now. Er. Charmeleon's used Fire Bird attack-"  
  
"What in Kanto is that? Because I've been a Fire Pokemon all my life and I've never heard of it."  
  
"I think he just made it up. Seems to have thrown 'Sparki' into the wall, though. I never liked her anyway. Oh, Sparki's been returned, and finally out comes the Vaporeon, guess her brain's a little bigger than a walnut after all. "  
  
Not surprisingly, the Vaporeon dispatched the Charmeleon with a well-aimed Hydro Pump.  
  
"No!" cried the un-named Junior Trainer. "How could I lose?"  
  
"I am sorry for your loss." Celandine said regally. "Please, allow me to heal your Pokemon."  
  
The trainer agreed - not that surprising when you consider who's getting the free items - and after the hapless trainer had heaped praise on Celandine and her 'queenly grace', they continued on their way.  
  
About ten steps on, a strange shiver ran down Pikachu's spine. He turned his head to look, and froze. Behind them, the Junior Trainer was shrieking soundlessly, writhing and clawing at the air. As Pikachu watched, horrified, the Trainer stopped jerking and turned his head a full one hundred and eighty degrees to look at him. His eyes glowed an eerie red. Then, without warning - a sign or a banner would have been nice - his entire body exploded into dust. For an instant, a grey shape hung in the air, before it dissipated into wisps of smoke.  
  
Afterwards Vulpix always wondered why Pikachu had suddenly screamed blue murder, clawed his way up Ash's leg and burrowed inside his jacket, shaking like a mobile phone set to vibrate. But Pikachu never told anyone. Of course, it might have something to do with the cloud of mist hovering in the corridor. 


	8. This Is Chapter Eight Get Over It

Pokemaniac Hanni; You're right, I should have remembered the 'healing powers' stuff. *hangs head*. I will next time. Thanks!!!  
  
TopazSoarhire; Studying what? How to Sue 101?  
  
ImagineThat; Don't worry. I have my plots. Muahaha.  
  
Vulpix Dark Flame; Yay! I've been glomped! I've never been glomped before! *squeals* Yeah, Vulpix is my favourite Pokemon right after Espeon and Mew. Ickle kitty-catses....  
  
And here's the eighth chapter (I only meant it to be ten! What happened?), with thanks to my beta-reader Daisy. If I was rich, I would buy you a Hawaiian island. But since I'm not, you'll just have to settle for my eternal gratitude and lots of imaginary cookies.  
  
Later that day, (twenty-two minutes and thirty-seven seconds later to be precise) the Twerp Team -minus Misty- was wandering down one of the Gym's many winding passages, looking for the Gym Leader. Pikachu was still huddled in Ash's jacket, quaking. Brock had released Vulpix, who now trotted alongside them with a disgruntled expression on her face. The reason for this was the new 'ethereal light' that shone from Vulpix's blue eyes, basically turning her into a walking torch. And the fact that Vulpix had always had brown eyes didn't seem to have occurred to anyone except Brock; once or twice Pikachu spotted him looking down at the fox Pokemon with a mildly bemused expression, but then Celandine turned back and waved at him and the familiar glassy expression slid over his face. Stupid Sue. Pikachu had been a well-brought-up young Pikachu and his mother had always taught him not to swear - not even 'drat'- but Celandine was sending him dangerously close to it.  
  
A moment later the trio had walked out into a large, surprisingly nondescript hall. The walls were grey, the floor was grey, even the people standing in it looked rather grey. A tall fat man in a ninja outfit stepped forwards.  
  
"I am Koga, the Leader of this Gym. I use poison type - cor, is that boy pregnant?"  
  
Ash glanced down at Pikachu, still curled up inside his jacket. "Um, no, it's just my Pokemon." He pulled Pikachu out and dropped him rather unceremoniously on the ground.  
  
"I think he must be scared of the dark!" Celandine said with a annoying, tinkly little laugh, thereby earning a bit more of Pikachu's undying hatred. Like she needs any more of that.  
  
Koga nodded, no looking that convinced. "Um. Right. Shall we battle now?"  
  
"Yay!" Celandine trilled. "Let's battle!!" She let out her Sparki, miraculously healed from being thrown against a wall.  
  
Pikachu sighed and turned away, wandering off to the side of the Gym. Vulpix followed him. Neither of them wanted to watch the coming Gym Battle. So, while they were staring determinedly at the opposite wall, they noticed something. A familiar figure was strolling down the edge of the Gym towards them, humming an annoying tune and carrying a clipboard. Have you guessed who it is yet? Have you? Fine, you can have a clue. The Mystery Pokemon was six foot seven, weighed 269 lbs, and looked like an overgrown pink-and- purple kangaroo. For those of you who are really dense, it's Mewtwo.  
  
"What are you doing here?" Pikachu demanded, apparently forgetting that he was talking to the self-proclaimed most powerful Pokemon in the world, and that a little courtesy might be in order. To everyone's surprise, Mewtwo didn't turn him into a paper plane, but leaned against the wall and pushed his bright yellow builder's helmet up further on his forehead.  
  
"Well, once I take over Fuchsia City I'll have to redecorate, won't I?" He looked at Pikachu expectantly.  
  
"Oh." Pikachu said.  
  
"Yeah." Mewtwo sighed. "Grey does nothing for my complexion."  
  
"Oh." Pikachu said again. What else was there to say?  
  
Mewtwo looked over to where Sparki was beating up a poor defenceless Zubat. "That Pikachu's doing rather well."  
  
"Meh." Pikachu said sourly.  
  
"Is she your girlfriend?" Mewtwo inquired innocently.  
  
"No! She's not! And if you ever say that again I'll...do something!"  
  
Mewtwo smirked. "All right then. Suit yourself." He teleported away in a flash of blue light.  
  
"And you know what? Most construction helmets don't have Bob the Builder on the front!" Pikachu yelled spitefully after him. Celandine glanced sharply at him, clearly wondering what he was talking about. She didn't seem to have noticed Mewtwo. Just how unobservant to you have to be not to notice a six foot tall super-powerful Pokemon standing next to you?  
  
On the battlefield, Sparki finished kicking the Zubat - when it was lying on the floor too, that's just rude- and trotted back to sit by Celandine. There was an unbearably smug smirk on her face. And Sparki looked pretty pleased as well.  
  
"So, Celandine, you have proven yourself a capable Trainer." The Gym Leader announced. He sounded like he was reading off one of those prompt-boards the really stupid film-stars get given. Celandine smiled and blushed.  
  
Koga handed her the Fuchsia City Gym badge with another speech that, due to bad grammar and odd references to someone called 'Madonna', made Pikachu's ears swell up and turn purple. Poor unfortunate electric rodent  
  
Pikachu uncorked his ears just in time to hear Ash say, "Pikachu! I choose you!"  
  
All right! Pikachu bounded out onto the field, eyes sparkling, and was promptly hurled into the nearest wall. Then into the ceiling. Then the floor. Then the ceiling again. He wasn't doing too well.  
  
"Oh no!" Ash cried. "Pikachu's losing! Whatever shall I do?!"  
  
"You could borrow my Flareon!" Celandine suggested. "She's really tough!"  
  
Ash grabbed the proffered Pokeball and hurled it out onto the field, yelling, "Celandine's Flareon, I choose you!"  
  
The Flareon popped out, shot Pikachu a smug smirk, and leapt forward to face the enemy. Red with embarrassment, Pikachu crawled back to Ash's feet and sat down on them, watching as Flareon effortlessly polished off the Weezing. Celandine would pay for this. Oh yes. She would pay.  
  
Muahaha. 


	9. Chapter Nine Celandine's Diary and other...

Response to my beloved reviewers;  
  
TopazSoarhire ;An evil twin? I was considering that, but one Celandine is enough for any fic. A created Pokemon? Well, my theory is that Mary Sues are actually a Bug-Psychic type Pokemon, so there's already one of those.  
  
The Review Guy; Oops, my bad. I haven't seen the first season in ages and I haven't been able to find a decent Episode Guide. Anybody got one? And there will be a brand-new Gym Leader in the next few chapters, I swear.  
  
Pokemaniac Hanni; Yeah, I'm pretty sure I was sugar-high when I wrote that bit. And there will be much more Mewtwo and SoapOpera!Mew.  
  
Vulpix Dark Flame; I agree, I completely agree. Yeah, Mewtwo's a closet Bob the Builder fan; who would have guessed?  
  
Demon who loves Meowmix; Aaaaw! Another Team Rocket fan! And don't worry. I have planses. Heh heh.  
  
Chapter Nine. And I only meant this to be ten chapters! Eeek! And with thanks to my beta, Daisy, for beta-ing. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ---------------------------- Extract from Celandine's Diary, May 14th.  
  
Oh wow, everything is going, like, so well! Brock is totally smitten with me! We're going to see 'Pokemon In Love' tomorrow night. Me and Misty are going shopping for a new outfit. I'm going to look totally awesome!  
  
Oh, and I beat some little Gym Leader today. He was soooo ugly. No fashion sense at all. And his sis wasn't much better. I mean, florescent pink? That is, like, so seventies. It's not even retro yet! Ash beat the Gym Leader too. Not without my help, of course. That Pikachu of his is like, so totally useless. He got thrown into the walls like, ten times! My Flareon is so much cuter than him.  
  
While we're talking about Pikachu, I don't think he likes me. When I gave Ash my Pokemon to use, he glared at me. He. Glared. At. Me. That is so not fair! How can he not like me? I'm Mary Sue! Everybody likes me! And how am I supposed to save him from Team Rocket if he doesn't like me? I know I'm gonna have to save him from Team Rocket. I'm a Mary Sue. It's my duty.  
  
And I think he's crazy too. When we were walking back to the Pokemon Centre he just started staring at this like, totally random shop and poking Vulpix and Togepi and pointing at it. It wasn't even that cool a shop, it just sold, like, make-up and hairbands and stuff like that. Not that I need makeup to make myself look radiant. I really do think Pikachu's gone - you know. Loopy. It must be my natural charisma sending him - funny farm.  
  
But you know what? When we'd gotten back to the Pokemon Centre, I ditched the others and went to this dinky little Internet café to check my email. But instead I found this site called fanfiction.net. And I found all these stories there about girls just like me. None as beautiful as me or as intelligent as me, though, so don't worry about that. But you know what happened to those girls? They all died horrible deaths. One got put in a mincer and fed to Giovanni's Persian! And you know what else? ...I DON'T WANNA DIE!  
  
I think Pikachu might be going to kill me. That's like, major problemo.  
  
(End extract , quick, before the readers' heads explode.)  
  
Pikachu scowled as he surveyed his troops. It was something he was doing a lot more these days. His troops, which were composed of Bulbasaur, Charizard, Togepi, Vulpix, and Squirtle, scowled back at him. It was a whole big scowly thing.  
  
"Right, men!" he announced.  
  
"And woman." Vulpix muttered.  
  
"And woman." Pikachu added, without missing a beat. "You are the elite of the Pokemon in this group (except Celandine's Pokemon, because they keep looking at me funny) and you have all been chosen because of your - um- eliteness. Except Charizard who was chosen because of his size and generally humanoid appearance. Right, men-"  
  
"And woman."  
  
"-and woman, I was just about to say it, honest. This speech is over. Go do the things you're supposed to do!" The troops dispersed. Pikachu sat down against the wall and fanned himself with his mini general's helmet. It was not a group that would bring tears to the eyes of any army officer, except possibly tears of laughter. Charizard was decked out in a stolen trenchcoat, an equally stolen hat, and a pair of surgical gloves which weren't technically stolen because Nurse Joy had said they could have them, even if she had been looking the other way and not paying any attention. Togepi was holding a lollipop and looking as cute as possible, which, seeing as this was Togepi, wasn't hard. Vulpix was in one of Charizard's pockets as fashion consultant, and Bulbasaur and Squirtle were setting up the equipment and hiding it under Celandine's bed.  
  
Charizard, face hidden under his fedora, lurched into the nearest cosmetics store. He had a mission. He also had a purseful of stolen money. Though really it was just borrowed because Pikachu had said that if they ever won the lottery they would pay it back instantly. The dragon Pokemon stumbled down one aisle, with Vulpix in his pocket offering helpful criticism.  
  
"No, it's that over there - the sign that says 'Dye' - okay, the sign with a sideways semicircle, something that looks like an upside-down tepee, and a little spiraly thing - yeah, that's it! Okay, what do we have here? This looks good - so does this one - oh, look Charizard, this is the exact colour Misty goes after she's eaten Ash's cooking! Brilliant!"  
  
Having finished with their selection, the duo proceeded to the cash register.  
  
"That'll be twenty pounds and ninety pence, please." The cash attendant said, flicking the little drawer open and holding out a hand. This was when Charizard realized something important. He couldn't count.  
  
Pikachu sidled up to Celandine's feet, closely followed by Togepi. The little Egg Pokemon hopped onto Celandine's lap and proceeded to shamelessly ham up the Cute Routine. Pikachu rolled his eyes and poked the Sue in the leg. "Oi, Celandine, where'd you go when we all got back from the Gym?"  
  
That had been a very odd sudden disappearance. As soon as they'd arrived back at the Pokemon Centre, Celandine had vanished. The Twerp Troop had acted almost normal once she'd gotten a little way away, Misty starting up a card game, Brock getting out his cooking gear, and Ash eating everything Brock made. But then the Sue had come back and everything had just faded away into the air. Literally.  
  
Pikachu was definitely not prepared for what happened next. Celandine let out a loud noise best described as 'GACK!!!', leapt five feet straight up in the air, and hung onto a convenient chandelier. Pikachu looked at Celandine in her new upside-down state, tried to twist his head upside-down to see her better, then thought better of it.  
  
"So...where did you go?" Pikachu inquired in his PoliteVoice (tm). Celandine shot him a Freaked-OutGlare (also tm) and scrambled farther up the chandelier, which was starting to sway dangerously.  
  
"Look, we're not going to bite you!" Pikachu hollered at her.  
  
"'Cos she'll taste icky." Togepi muttered, licking his lollipop. Pikachu ignored him.  
  
"So where were you?" he shouted up at the Sue.  
  
"If I tell you will you quit bugging me?" she hollered at him.  
  
Pikachu nodded, keeping his fingers crossed behind his back.  
  
"Fine then. I was at an Internet café reading fanfiction. Now go away!"  
  
Fanfiction? Pikachu mouthed at Togepi. The Egg Pokemon shrugged and wandered off to watch TV, just as the chandelier gave way and dropped Celandine onto the sofa. Fuming, the Sue drew herself up to her full height and prepared to vaporize it or something. Fortunately, she was distracted by the wall exploding. Something like that can get anyone's attention.  
  
"Prepare for trouble!"  
  
"Make it double!"  
  
"To protect the world from devastation!"  
  
"To unite all peoples within our nation!"  
  
"Finally, I was starting to think they had got lost and wound up in Petalburg City in Hoenn." Togepi remarked, watching the cloud of dust reflectively.  
  
"Yeah, three days without them, that must be a record." Pikachu answered. "Do you think Celandine will get rid of them?"  
  
"Well, duh. Pity we can't get Team Rocket in on it, they seem mostly unaffected. Must be their inherent evilness protecting them." Togepi said with a sigh. Pikachu went over what Togepi had just said. And his eyes started to glitter.  
  
"Pikachu, what are you planning?" Togepi demanded. "Tell me! Tell me now!" Togepi could really be a spoilt little brat at times.  
  
"Erm, nothing, I'm not planning anything. Oh, and I'm appointing Vulpix leader while I'm planning nothing, and I will be back from doing nothing before you can say spaghetti, 'kay?" With that said, Pikachu ran for Team Rocket's newest gadget, a sort of hoverbike-thingy, latched onto the bottom of James's skirt, and started scrambling up it.  
  
"Okay, I've officially been stolen.'' He proclaimed, sitting comfortably on the handlebars. "Where to now?"  
  
Delighted with their success, Team Rocket swooped away without (miracle of miracles) saying anything. Celandine let out a loud and very fake howl of grief. Ash sat quietly, saying nothing. Misty gazed at the ceiling. Brock was nowhere to be seen. Charizard was running in the door amid cries of "Stop, thief!" and "Give me my money!"  
  
"What's going on? Did I miss anything important?" he inquired. Togepi looked from the hole in the wall, to the wailing Sue, then to Charizard. He opened his mouth, then shut it again. What was there to say?  
  
And if anyone thinks that was a bad chapter, it's because I wrote it while stumbling through massive writer's block. Thanks a bunch, muse.  
  
Muse; *looks up from filing claws* Er...you're welcome?  
  
Sigh. Anyway, thanks to all reviewers, and....I can't even think what to write next. Curse you, writer's block! CURSE YOU! 


	10. Chapter 10 Stolen Pikachu and Freaky Yel...

To reviewers;  
  
Lily22; Thanks!  
  
Subieko; Yup, it's Bizarro World. And I think they do know they're Sues, otherwise they wouldn't try to wreck Canon so much. Cool name, btw.  
  
The Review Guy; Telepathic? Don't think so. Super-genius, yeah. Only in public, though. All Sues are bimbo Barbie girls at heart. Demolishing Ash's ego? Well, she has mostly ignored him then claimed that he couldn't beat Koga without her help. Does that count?  
  
Demon Who Needs a Life; Yay! Stolen Pikachu! And a bit more TR in this chapter!  
  
-----------------------------------------------------------------  
  
Team Rocket leapt off the Star Wars-style speeder bike thingy and started doing the Chicken Dance to the tune of 'We got Pikachu! We got Pikachu!'  
  
The aforementioned Pikachu was sitting on the handlebars to the speeder- thingy, trying not to yawn. "Um, guys? Team Rocket?" he shouted.  
  
'WegotPikachuwegotPikachu..."  
  
"Hello? Are you listening to me?"  
  
"WegotPikachuwegotPikachuwegotPikachu..."  
  
"TEAM ROCKET!" Pikachu hollered in a voice that shook mountains and sent baby Pidgeys shrieking from their nests. However, Team Rocket were singing too loudly to hear him.  
  
"Hey, morons!' Meowth yelled. Surprisingly, TR stopped dancing and turned their heads to look at him. "I fink dat Pikachu is trying to tell us something!"  
  
"Finally!" Pikachu snapped. "Look, there's a really weird person brainwashing the Twerp Trio and unless you help us stop them the whole world is doomed!"  
  
Team Rocket just stared at him blankly, like a couple of cows. Or possibly sheep. "Meowth, what did he say?" Jessie asked, still staring blankly.  
  
"Er, dat da Twerps are being brainwashed and we gotta help them!' Meowth translated.  
  
"Oh yeah? And why should we do that?" Jessie demanded, folding her arms and glaring. "Er.because the person doing it is a really rare Pokemon that you could give to the boss?" Pikachu asked, then waited as Meowth translated.  
  
James looked curious. "Really? What sort of Pokemon?"  
  
"Her name's Celandine."  
  
Cue blank looks from the Rockets.  
  
"Remember her? Long silver hair, about yay high? Pretending to be the Boss' daughter?"  
  
"Oh... her...She looked human enough." James said, scratching his head.  
  
"Well, she's not. She's a Mary Sue." Pikachu explained. Enlisting the help of Team Rocket. So it had come to that.  
  
Upon hearing the words "Mary Sue", Meowth fainted. Pikachu wasn't terribly surprised. It seemed to have that effect on everyone.  
  
"So...this girl we thought was human is really a Pokemon?" Jessie asked. Pikachu nodded vehemently. Finally, they get it!  
  
"A rare Pokemon?" James asked Pikachu nodded again.  
  
"That we could give to the Boss?" Jessie asked. Pikachu nodded again. His nodding muscles were starting to get sore. Hopefully they would get it soon.  
  
Jessie prodded Meowth, who was starting to wake up, with her foot. Well, maybe 'prodded' is too weak a word. 'Kicked', maybe. 'Sent flying', perhaps. Once Meowth had staggered back, TR went into a little huddle at the other end of the clearing. Pikachu caught a few phrases, like: 'designer clothes', 'golden PokeChow bowls!' and 'I'd never have to wear a dress again!'  
  
After a few minutes, TR came out of the huddle. "We'll do it." Jessie announced, flipping her red hair.  
  
"Golden PokeChow bowls..." Meowth murmured.  
  
Meanwhile, back at the Pokemon Centre, things were not going well for Vulpix and co. Celandine had insisted on ordering pizza and watching some weird programme called the Sampsons or something. Everyone was yellow and there weren't any Pokemon at all! That was just wrong. All the Pokemon, except Celandine's who were sitting by her feet staring into space - Sparki was actually perched on top of one high-heeled black boot- were waiting eagerly for Celandine to go to bed. In the meantime, however, they were amusing themselves dropping salt onto her pizza. She didn't seem to notice, completely riveted to the TV. After about half an hour of mindless boredom, Celandine rose, batted her eyelashes at Brock, and headed for the stairs. A few feet away from the bottom step, however, she paused and turned. All the Twerp Pokemon groaned in unison, save Psyduck who was sitting a little way away, apparently composing sonnets about Celandine's eyebrows. They weren't very good sonnets, either. No rhyming pattern at all.  
  
"I've just had an amazing idea!" Celandine chirped. "Let's go to Rosewood Village next!"  
  
"Rosewood Village?" Brock repeated.  
  
"Rosewood Village!" the Sue sang gleefully. "My mother Alethia is Gym Leader there!"  
  
"Rosewood Village? No such place." Togepi said darkly.  
  
"Let's burn it!" Vulpix suggested gleefully. The motion was swiftly seconded by Charizard and Staryu.  
  
"Then we are agreed. Rosewood Village will burn to the ground!" Togepi announced, making a Victory sign.  
  
Celandine was paying them a grand total of no attention. She was entirely fixated on this going to Rosewood Village thing.  
  
"Wait." Zubat said suddenly. "Did she just say her mother was Gym Leader there? I thought she was supposed to be Misty's sister?"  
  
Vulpix considered this, then nodded. "And she's two years older than Misty despite being her younger sister."  
  
"So...she's Misty's younger sister despite being older than her and not being related to her? That's not logical." Zubat said, flying in a circle around Vulpix's head.  
  
"Mary-Sue. Logic. The two do not connect anywhere." Togepi informed them, watching as Celandine tripped gracefully -though how anyone can 'trip gracefully' he didn't know- up the stairs and into her room. The group waited for a few minutes, before the elite commandos, Bulbasaur, Squirtle, Vulpix, Charizard, and Togepi, followed her.  
  
Short chappie, yeah. Still got writers block. *kicks muse*  
  
Muse; CEYAHHHHHHHHHHHH! *attacks*  
  
*stumbles around with muse attached to face* 


	11. In Which Something Very Disturbing Happe...

Subieko; Well, the Boss's only her adoptive father. Her real dad is Professor Oak. I like Giovanni way too much to let some Sue-bint screw with him like that. Yah, I'm a TR fan. Go Team Rocket! *runs in circles waving Team Rocket flag*  
  
Only one review? *is greatly saddened*  
  
Led by Vulpix and dragging a few multi-coloured bottles behind them, the 'elite commandos' ghosted up the stairs. Except for the liquid sloshing around in the bottles, and the occasional squeak when someone fell down the stairs, and all the noise they were making, they were as silent as a tomb.  
  
Finally the small group made it into Celandine's room. The Sue was sprawled across the bed with her mouth wide open and snoring. Togepi sniggered. Vulpix shot him a stern look and edged over to the edge of the bed. Taking care not to disturb the sleeping monster, Togepi scrambled onto Vulpix's head, onto the horrible purple duvet (dotted with pink hearts) and balanced precariously on Celandine's chest. Once there, he waved his arms around vaguely and started to sing.  
  
Describing Togepi's voice as being like a dying cow doing a duet with a rusty gate would have been terribly insulting, to both cow and gate. Nevertheless, it seemed to be doing it's job. Celandine's snores had definitely gotten deeper and louder.  
  
Vulpix dragged the small table and basin out from under the bed, where Bulbasaur had put it earlier, and stood aside to let Squirtle fill it with water. Once there was water slopping over the sides, Charizard roasted it. Steam started rising from the bowl.  
  
And with a flourish, Squirtle grabbed a bottle labelled 'Cyan', smirked wickedly, and tipped it over Celandine's head.  
  
"Thanks for the lift, Team Rocket!" Pikachu shouted, waving cheerfully. Now there's a sentence I never thought I'd say, he thought, ambling through the door of the Pokemon centre and glancing around. Togepi, Vulpix, Charizard, Bulbasaur, and Squirtle seemed to be missing. Probably carrying out 'Operation Rainbow'.  
  
Psyduck was sitting in a corner, muttering to himself. Pikachu ignored him, hurrying over to Onix. "Hey, Onix. Where did the Sue go?" he inquired.  
  
Onix turned to look at him, then turned away again. A dreadful suspicion clutched at Pikachu's heart. "So, Onix." he said casually. "What do you think of, say, Celandine?"  
  
Onix's eyes became even more glassy. "Her eyebrows are like twin moon crescents." he said, before going back to staring at the ceiling.  
  
Pikachu raised an eyebrow. Uh-huh. Twin moon crescents. So Onix was gone. Well, it did make a little bit of sense. Rock Pokemon. Rocks in the head, that's like a universal...Hang on. Rock Pokemon. On a hunch, he headed over to Geodude.  
  
"Hello, Geodude. What do you think about Celandine?"  
  
Geodude didn't even look at the electric Pokemon, just gazed out of the window, drooling slightly. "Stars...pretty...sparkly..."  
  
Pikachu blinked at him, then hurried away and up the stairs to find the missing five. So Psyduck was down, Onix was down, and Geodude was either down or on something illegal.  
  
The electric mouse got into Celandine's room and stood gaping. The whole of Celandine's lovely, silvery hair had been dyed cyan, orange, green, purply- pink, and fluorescent yellow. In a checked pattern.  
  
Pikachu grinned, took a running jump onto the bed, and grabbed a bottle marked Lime Green from Charizard.  
  
"AIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"  
  
The scream echoed through the Pokemon Center and quite possibly the whole of Fuchsia City. Looking more like some kind of avenging troll than an exquisitely beautiful Mary-Sue, Celandine stamped down the stairs red with fury. Her hair looked as if a drunken modern artist had thrown water- balloons full of paint at her.  
  
Pikachu stuffed a paw in his mouth to stifle the hysterical laughter. Vulpix was rolling on the floor giggling madly.  
  
"Who. Did. This." Celandine hissed.  
  
"I think you look like a vision of perfect beauty, my darling." Brock said woodenly, gazing into space. The Sue waved him off impatiently, then her stare settled on Pikachu and his elite commandos. With a smirk that said quite clearly, I'm plotting something and you don't know what it is, she grabbed Bulbasaur and lifted him up over her head. "This is a lovely Bulbasaur, Ash." she said with a sweet smile.  
  
"Yeah, he's great." Ash said absently.  
  
"He?" Celandine said in mock surprise. "But Ash, this Bulbasaur is a girl!"  
  
Bulbasaur let out a shriek which altered pitch dramatically halfway through.  
  
"AAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIiiiiiiiiiiiiieeeeeeeeeeee!" 


	12. In which there is Smog

Demon who needs a Life; Nothing good ever comes of anything Celandine does.  
  
Subieko; Yup. Everyone everywhere is perfectly quiet except for all the noises they're making. It's like Zen.  
  
Rosemary the Rubix Cube; Mmm....chocolate gateau....  
  
TopazSoarhire; What's going to happen next is right down...there. *points*  
  
Disclaimer; Roses are red, violets are blue, I don't own Pokemon so you don't sue.  
  
*********************************** Celandine's Diary  
  
Like, Pikachu is so plotting to kill me. He's turned my hair funny colours. Like, lime green and some other green, orange, purply-pinky, yellow and some other blue thing. And it won't come out. The little crettin must have used permanent dye. And I can't find any silver dye either. This totally sucks. I bought a cute little purple hat with a Skitty on it. You know, those weird cat things that hang out in Hoon or wherever. It'll go with my new purple miniskirt and my purple shirt. I like purple. Ooops, gotta go. Brock's waiting!  
  
Celandine xxx  
  
"Bulbasaurina?"  
  
"Bulbasita?"  
  
"Bulbasauna?"  
  
A Vine Whip smacked Pikachu upside the head. "Yow! What was that for?"  
  
"You were mocking me." the newly christened Bulbasaurina growled. "And keep it down."  
  
Pikachu raised his hands defensively and slumped back in his seat. 'When will they get here?' he thought, irritated. They had managed to sneak into the cinema and get seats right behind Celandine and Brock, but now Team Rocket were late. He really didn't deserve this.  
  
Pikachu let out a frustrated sigh and gestured to Bulbasaurina. "First phase of Operation Noodles." he whispered over the high-pitched, squeaky music coming from the screen. Bulbasaurina Vine Whipped herself up to the back of Celandine's chair, wrinkled her nose at a strand of lime green hair poking from the bottom of Celandine's tea-cosy hat, and sprinkled Poisonpowder over the happy couple. The greenish dust settled into Celandine's mineral water, the popcorn, and Brock's hair. It looked like a rather strange case of dandruff. Bulbasaurina sniggered – "Buh buh buh!"- and jumped off, landing on Togepi.  
  
A few mouthfuls of popcorn later, Celandine's head was already flopping onto Brock's shoulder and her wide violet eyes were closing. And she was snoring gently.  
  
And then Team Rocket, disguised as ushers, burst through the double doors at the back of the cinema, silhouetted in the light from the lobby. The dramatic effect was slightly lessened when a door swung back and hit James in the forehead.  
  
"Prepare for trouble!" Jessie declaimed.  
  
Silence.  
  
"James! Your line!"  
  
Still nothing.  
  
"Jessie? I fink dat he's unconscious!"  
  
Jessie prodded the comatose body with a boot. "Oh. What are we supposed to do now?" She hoisted James upright and the trio – or possibly duo – disappeared behind a door. They reappeared ten seconds later, except that now James was upright and Meowth was hiding behind him.  
  
"Prepare for trouble!"  
  
"Make it double!" Meowth said, talking in a squeaky voice from behind the Rocket's head.  
  
"How did they get him awake so quickly?" Togepi asked, peering at them.  
  
"No, there's a broom stuck up the back of his shirt and Jessie's holding onto it. See, the bristles are sticking up over his head."  
  
"Oh, yeah...I thought that was his hair. My bad."  
  
"Jessie!"  
  
"James!" Meowth said, in a oddly falsetto voice.  
  
"I'm positive that's not how James normally speaks." Togepi said idly, as Team Rocket finished their motto.  
  
"Time to fight them now?" Vulpix asked, uncurling.  
  
Pikachu blinked at her, before remembering that he hadn't told them Team Rocket were being slightly helpful. "No, they're on our side...I recruited them when they kidnapped me."  
  
Bulbasaurina frowned. "Are we that desperate?"  
  
"Psyduck is composing sonnets about Celandine's eyebrows. I'd say we're desperate."  
  
"Oh, righ- Look! She's moving!"  
  
Celandine had struggled upright and was staggering out into the aisle, bleary-eyed. The Poisonpowder had done its work. "You can't do tha..." she began, before keeling over. Her hat fell off and rolled down the steps.  
  
James, who had made a miraculous recovery, burst out laughing, and after a few seconds trying to keep a straight face, Jessie joined him. "Hah ha ha! Her hair...he hee hee!"  
  
Team Rocket rolled around on the ground for a few minutes, then finally regained their composure.  
  
"Arbok! Go!"  
  
"Go, Weezing!"  
  
The two Pokemon appeared in a flash of red light, Arbok hissing and rearing up.  
  
"Weezing! Smoke Screen!"  
  
A thick smog filled the air. A second later, Arbok started blasting everything in a ten-metre radius with Poison Needles. The Pokemon ducked under a seat, hearing it shudder as the needles tore through the seat cover.  
  
"I don't think that'll do anything to the Sue, she's still lying on the floor." Vulpix pointed out. She could see Celandine, a dark splodge against the smoke, still sprawled on the floor. "I suppose she has to get up eventually, though."  
  
"Yeah, so as long as they don't hit the cinema scree..."  
  
BANG  
  
"Too late."  
  
The screen blew up. There was smoke, the crackle of electricity, and a very familiar sound. "Team Rocket's blasting off again....!"  
  
Pikachu kicked the chair. "There go our allies."  
  
"They'll be back soon." Bulbasaurina said. "They always turn up the day after they get blasted away, however far they go."  
  
Togepi rolled up onto his feet and waddled towards them. "How do they do that? It should take at least a week to get back from where they land."  
  
"Maybe Team Rocket has underground bullet trains or something." Vulpix suggested. "Kick a tree, it opens, and down you go into an underground subway station."  
  
"Never mind how they do it, but Team Rocket will be back by tomorrow afternoon." Pikachu said, leading the way out of the cinema. *****************************************  
  
And now, review! Even if you only leave the lyrics from the Sound of Music. Flames are good. Flames taste like spearmint.  
  
I did a picture of dearest Celandine. Anyone wants to see it, tell me in a review. 


	13. This is Chapter 13

To the wonderful, lovely, splendiferous reviewers;  
  
Shortsandshirts; Aakkk! Milkshake! cowers and waves crucifix  
  
Demon who is a Geek; Doh, a deer, a female deer... Glad you like it. Did I forget to send you the Celandine picture?  
  
And with thanks to TopazSoarhire, Rosemary the Rubix Cube, Subieko, and Beta Reader Daisy.  
  
The Twerp Trio Sue left Fuchsia City early the next morning, heading north to 'Rosewood Village'. Celandine, to the delight of the newly formed Anti-Sue Brigade, was still wearing the purple Skitty hat and scowling viciously. Her five-inch stiletto heels made little holes in the dirt path.  
  
"Aww, poor Celandine's in a bad mood." Vulpix said, making no attempt whatsoever to hide her glee. "I saw her this morning. She must be allergic to Poisonpowder, because she was throwing up everywhere. It was sort of gross."  
  
Pikachu would have replied, but a bowl of tomato soup had just upended itself over his head. The entire world flickered, the sun and moon chasing each other across the sky until they became bright blurs. A few metres away, trees sprouted, grew, and finally withered to blackened husks in the space of a second. Staryu was buried under a mountain of Geodude plushies. Rocks shifted underfoot, creating a pit which Bulbasaurina promptly fell into. Togepi transformed into a Pidgey and back again. And with a final stomach-churning wrench, they were standing on a path far, far away.  
  
Still trying to get the tomato soup out of his ears, Pikachu glanced behind them There was a distant splodge of green on the horizon; the forest they had been about to travel through. "What just happened?" he demanded finally.  
  
Celandine turned to look at him, smirking horribly. "A week's journey, over in a heartbeat." she remarked. "You're doomed, Pikachu."  
  
She sashayed away, apparently not realizing that most of her multicoloured hair had fallen out of her cap, and was now giving random Pidgeys heart attacks.  
  
"Did anyone hear that? I've got soup in my ears." Pikachu asked his Elite Commandos.  
  
"No, I'm still in this pit."  
  
"No, I was trying to get these Geodude plushies off Staryu."  
  
"I heard her! She said that she'd warped time and space so that a week-long journey took about ten seconds. Not that great, I can do that with my hands tied behind my back. It's just a matter of compressing..."  
  
"Togepi, we all know you're the standard Uber-Powerful Time-Biding Pokemon. Shut up already."  
  
Togepi subsided into annoyed silence, muttering something along the lines of 'When I rule the universe, you'll be sorry you said that.'  
  
"If you're so powerful, why don't you fight Celandine?" Starmie demanded.  
  
Togepi looked affronted. "And blow my cover? Never!"  
  
Pikachu opened his mouth to say something very cutting and witty to Togepi. "Prepare for trouble!"  
  
"Huh?"  
  
"What was that?"  
  
"What's Pikachu saying that for?"  
  
"That wasn't me!" Pikachu snapped, mildly annoyed that his moment had been ruined. "Team Rocket must have arrived." 'Finally,' he added to himself.  
  
"Uh, Pikachu? It's not Team Rocket." Vulpix said, leaping onto a treestump for a better view. "At least, it's not our Team Rocket."  
  
"Our Team Rocket? What 'our Team Rock..." Pikachu began, scrambling up onto the treestump beside Vulpix. Black uniforms. Green and orange hair. Confident smirks. Oh, bugger. 


	14. Chapter 14

With thanks to Beta Daisy and also to; BouncyBluePenguinv2, Demon who is a Geek, Subieko, ZurumiNokori, and any other reviewers I may have missed due to my bad memory and worse attention span.

FrostQueen4eva; YAY! My first returned flame! Maybe I should get it framed and hung on the wall. Oh, and see those large, blocky patches of text? Those are paragraphs. I use lots of them. But of course you wouldn't have noticed that as you just went straight to the Review option in Chapter One, eager to throw my own words back at me without rhyme or reason.

Announcement; After this fic is completed, I intend to stop writing fanfiction. (ducks tomatoes) And I'll focus on original fiction instead. The reasons for this are twofold. Firstly, intense writer's block on everything except my original works. Secondly, ff-dot-net itself. There are some very good authors here. Unfortunately, they're buried under layers of Sueage and badfic. So, there's the announcement, hopefully none of you will hire hitmen to come and kill me.

'Why is it,' Pikachu reflected as he leapt off the treestump, 'that Butch and Cassidy only show up at the most inconvenient moments?' He raced towards the Rockets, ducking hastily behind a bush when they glanced in his direction. He needn't have bothered. The Rockets' eyes had a distinct glazed quality to them, which Pikachu was starting to recognize. Sue-influence. Dam – darn. What were they here for th-

"We're here to get that girl, and her little blueprints too!"

Well, that was convenient. "Nobody hurt them, they're trying to kidnap Celandine!"

"Pikachu, no need to shout, we're right behind you." Vulpix remarked, sliding into the bush beside him. "Do you think they'll succeed?"

"Knowing Celandine, no. Which would be more fun, watching Butch and Cassidy fail or watching Celandine fail?"

"Celandine. Duh." Togepi scrambled onto Pikachu's head to get a better look, apparently not realizing – or not caring – that it's rather painful to have someone else's foot in your ear. "Uuuurgh! Pikachu, there's still soup in here!"

"Get out of my ears then! Oh, Butch brought out Raticate... against the Sue's Flareon. I thought Rockets were supposed to be good...."

"It's not really his fault...Celandine lowers the intelligence of everyone around her... Except us."

"Yeah, except us." Vulpix put in, still watching. "Oh, she's done Fire Soul attack, does that even exist? And the Raticate's dodged it...WHAT? What was that supposed to be?"

"A karate kick? Looked a bit like one...why is the Flareon doing karate kicks?" Pikachu scowled at the offending Flareon and picked up a pebble, weighing it absently in one paw.

Celandine twisted slightly, glared at the elite commandos – who promptly made faces back at her; Togepi's was particularly grotesque – then smiled prettily at the Twerp Trio.

The Rockets said something unrepeatable concerning Celandine, her ancestors, her mother, and her Pokemon. Good for them. Then they brought out a net. From where, nobody knows. Maybe it was concealed in one of Cassidy's earrings. They're certainly big enough.

"Oh, so now they have a net....."

"Maybe they've been studying Jessie and James's attack strategy. Or maybe they're just thick." Vulpix remarked.

"Look! They've netted her! And they're dragging her away! Throw a party!" Togepi spun round, threw up his paws, and confetti and paper streamers fluttered down.

"Hey, Togepi, easy on the displays of superpower. That's called 'showing off'."

Newly heartened, the Pokemon waved goodbye to the Sue as she and her Rockety captors vanished over the horizon (which was about six feet away, proving once again that Sues suck at geography).

"Nooooooooooooooooo! Celandineeeeeeeeeee!" Brock cried, throwing himself to the ground and tearing at his hair in an overly melodramatic fashion. "My one trueeee loveeeeeee!"

"If he's so desperate to get her back, why didn't he go after them when they were very slowly dragging her away?" Squirtle asked, scratching his head.

"That's logic. Remember what I said about logic?" Pikachu asked, watching Brock flail about on the ground with detached scientific interest.

"Um....that it doesn't exist."

"Correct, my young Padawan. Looks rather like a headless Pidgey, doesn't he?"

"We've got to get her back!" Brock proclaimed, leaping to his feet and pointing over the horizon (still six feet away, in case anyone's interested).

"No! Bad faceless person! Keep being a headless Pidgey!"

"Look, she's left a trail!" Ash exclaimed, pointing at the ground to where a surprisingly wide and regular path vanished over the horizon (no, it hasn't gotten any further away since last time).

"Oh, darn, this is not a good day!" Pikachu cried, as Ash grabbed him and swung him up onto his shoulder. Then, with a yell (partly of going-to-beat-Team-Rocket joy, partly of going-to-save-Celandine anguish) they leapt over the horizon.


	15. Chapter Fifteen It's a Miracle

Yes, I know I haven't updated for a while. I'm sure most of you thought I was dead. Well, I'm not. It's just that I have my GCSEs this year, and I've been alternately hiding under my bed praying for the Exam God to save me and learning. Learning desperately. And I still don't understand Physics.

And as always, thanks are due both to the reviewers and to Beta Daisy. Sorry, still no word on that Caribbean island. Is the Mediterranean okay?

-

There was a distinctly unromantic twang as they leapt into the greyness, then with a whoosh the world came rushing back. Pikachu nearly fell off Ash's shoulder. Ash himself didn't notice, instead running straight ahead with a look of determination on his face.

At least, he thought it was determination. Really he looked like one of those freakish Houndours that stick their heads out of car windows so that the wind blows doggy spittle over everyone. In short, he looked utterly stupid and rather as if a signpost ought to concuss him. But it's the thought that counts.

Another wrenching shift in the time-space continuum (which left Pikachu reeling, Vulpix throwing up behind a bush, and Togepi screaming derisively about Celandine's lack of skill with manipulating the very fabric of space and time) later, they were standing outside a cottage.

A hut, really. It wasn't big enough to be a cottage, though it did resemble one on every other way. Little gabled roof, small parlour windows, picturesque green door with a quaint green knocker.

Actually, it would be better to describe it as a strange hut. Because while it had the cute gabled roof, and the adorable little windows, and the picturesque green door, and the quaint green knocker, and even a dinky little flowerpot on one of the windowsills, it didn't have any walls. The windows and the roof, even the dinky little flowerpot, were apparently floating in midair.

This would have surprised anyone who hadn't already spent a week or so in Celandine's company. As it was, the Pokemon glanced at it with the air of connoisseurs inspecting a portrait and followed Ash, Brock and Misty inside. The door inexplicably fell off its hinges as they walked in, and nearly crushed Togepi, but luckily he 'accidentally' turned it into a flock of Pidgeys who flew through one of the imaginary walls - and away! Away, to freedom! Fly, my little feathered friends, fly!

Oh. Um. Anyway, Brock pointed dramatically at Butch and Cassidy and proclaimed, "Release my fair lady from your diabolic clutches, foul demons of the underworld!"

I wish I were joking. But no, Brock really had turned into a wannabe Shakespearean, and he evidently hadn't noticed that the fair lady in question was seated on a chair, looking very pleased with herself, and occasionally kicking the table. Though, in accordance with the rules of Looking Like A Damsel In Distress, she still had the net draped over her head.

Butch and Cassidy, however, in accordance with the rules of Being a Stupid Moron, promptly started to explain the Evil Plot (tm).

"As you know, Celandine carries with her the blueprints to a machine that emits a homing signal on a frequency that only Pokemon can hear, drawing them all towards the machine."

"At least, all the ones within hearing would. And it'd be very easy to work out who was doing it if all the Pokemon just up and walked towards you. And then you'd all be arrested and go to jail – actually, on second thought, continue with the evil plot. And kill Celandine while you're at it."

Celandine shot Pikachu a Super-Scary Glare of Death, which the tiny electric rodent did not look too impressed with, and waved to Butch to continue.

"So, we've captured Celandine and we're keeping her here in one of the Boss's holiday homes."

"A one-room cottage with no walls? Giovanni's fortunes must be sadly depleted." Vulpix commented. "I almost feel sorry for him."

Butch blithely ignored her. "So we're taking Celandine off to the Boss so he can build the machine-"

"Himself? Wow, Giovanni's more talented than I thought."

"-and then we can rule the world."

"Thanks, for the quick synopsis. I thought Butch and Cassidy were supposed to be the smart ones."

"And now we will defeat you!" Ash announced, somehow leaping to his feet despite the fact that he'd never sat down.

The Rocket elites drew their Pokeballs. Seriously. They pulled them out from hidden holsters. It was very strange and if I never have to see Butch reaching down his trousers for a Pokeball again I will die a happy author.

"How dare you threaten my friends!" Celandine leapt to her feet, still draped in the net. "I'm warning you! I know origami!"

There was silence for several seconds while the Pokemon tried to comprehend this, then they all burst out laughing.

"What's she going to do? Wave paper at them?"

"Look out! She's got a paper chrysanthemum and she's not afraid to use it!"

The Pokemon collapsed, laughing hysterically.

BANG! THWACK! DONGGGG! ZOOP! ZOWEE! THUMP!

"Okay, that was…unusual…"

"I don't think hitting people with a chair is an actual martial art. It's more of a pub-brawl technique."

"Well, it did knock them out."

Brock leapt forward to hug Celandine, with a squeal of delight. "My beautiful princess! Thou hath kicked the unholy ass of evil!"

Then he did something that scarred all the watching Pokemon for life. He got down on one knee and pulled out a tiny box that somehow managed to contain a ring with a diamond the size of a football. "Celandine, my love, light of my life and beacon of hope in these dark times, will you marry me?"

"SAY NO! SAY NO!"

"Brock! My handsome prince who hath come all that way to save me from the evil grip of Team Rocket! Of course I'll marry you! And we can have lots of cute babies, many of them twins or even triplets!" The Mary-Sue gushed, luminous tears standing out in her glowing violet eyes. Glowing. Like nuclear radiation.

There was a long silence as the two embraced (Brock was still on the floor, so his face wound up somewhere around her navel, but it's the thought that counts.)

Eventually, Pikachu voiced what all the still-rational Pokemon were thinking.

"Oh#."


	16. 16 Cardboard and Team Rocket

I'm not dead. You must all be so happy. I've just been very, very busy with a) GCSEs b) preparing to move house (I have to share with my sister now, how dreadful is that?) and c) writer's block.

This bit is very bad, because I have writer's block on this particular fic. I'm suddenly contemplating a Sabrina/Brock one, though, which is bad because I swore to run screaming from ffn as soon as this was over. Well, at least I'm not straying into HP or LotR. Those ones where taken over by the fanbrats years ago.

Just realised how out-of-date my profile is. It says I'm fourteen when I'm actually sixteen on the 17th Aug. Remind me to change it.

Much love for the reviewers. And Demon who is a Geek, there is no such thing as loving Gio – I mean, Team Rocket too much.

------------------

Several minutes later, when the incident with Team Rocket was completely forgotten, the Twerp Trio Plus Sue were hiking up a hill. It was a blue hill, if anyone cares.

"From the top of this hill, we will be able to see my home, Rosewood Village!" Celandine announced, ignoring the part where they were already at the top of the hill, then spun round and flung out an arm, knocking off Ash's cap. "Lo and behold! We can see my home, Rosewood Village!"

"You know, I'm starting to think that this is where Celandine lives. Just a wild guess." Pikachu remarked, hopping up on Ash's shoulder to see better. "Okay, that's not a village. That's a town. You can tell by the size of it. If it was a village, it would be smaller."

Vulpix scrabbled up beside him, and perched on Ash's hat, which had miraculously reappeared on his head. "It's all made of wood, though. It'll burn well." She regarded the 'village' with fascinated eyes. "We should set the Gym on fire first. And roast marshmallows."

"Agreed."

"Pink ones?"

"No, too Sueish. White ones."

"Yes, but the white ones are vanilla-flavoured and I hate vanilla. Strawberries are better."

"Maybe we can get some non-pink strawberry ones…" Pikachu mused. "Hang on, does it really matter what colour the marshmallows are?"

There was a long pause while the surrounding Pokemon considered this.

"Well, no."

"Not really."

"No. Because they all end up the same colour anyway."

"Not if SHE cooks them."

"Uh, yeah. Sort of blackish with dark brown cinder effect."

"Not my favourite."

Pikachu glared at Squirtle and Bulbasaurina.

"Okay, we get it. Ixnay on the marshmallows."

"Good. Let's move, then. We need to kill Celandine before she marries Brock."

Celandine apparently heard him, because she promptly gushed, "Brock, love, we should get married as soon as possible! There's a church in Rosewood Village we can use!"

On cue, a church complete with steeple, stained-glass windows, and a banner reading 'BROCK AND CELANDINE GET MARRIED! OMG!1!' materialised somewhere in the centre of the 'village'. The roads twisted like Arboks to meet up with it.

Grinning victoriously, Celandine raced down the steep stony slope without falling over, despite her seven-inch heels. This is another of the many magical powers that Sues possess, along with special hair and ancestry that defies logic.

Brock raced after, closely followed by Ash and Misty. Pikachu, who was perched on Ash's shoulder, was jolted horribly. The other Pokemon followed at a considerably more sedate pace.

Eventually, they caught up with Pikachu, who had fallen off and was lying in the middle of the street, looking rather green.

"I think I'm going to be sick."

"No, you won't, because we're going to burn down a town and that'll make you feel better." Vulpix said comfortingly.

"Hey…" Togepi called, from where he was inspecting a PokeMart. "I think there's something wrong with this shop…probably the lack of an actual building…"

The other Pokemon hurried over to see. And as it turned out, the PokeMart was actually a cardboard cutout. It was held up by wooden struts. It wobbled slightly when Bulbasaurina kicked it.

Pikachu walked slowly back round the front, balanced precariously on tiptoes, and peered in through the windows. Vaguely blurred, doll-like figures moved around inside, mechanically walking from displays to racks of Pokeballs and Potions to the cash desk over and over again. He looked round the back. Blank cardboard and dirt. Weeds had grown up around the bases of the struts. He shivered.

"Vulpix, if you need some practice burning things…"

Vulpix obliged.

"Thanks."

The group walked away in the direction of the Pokemon Centre. Which, it turned out, was another cardboard cutout, an inflatable Nurse Joy complete with glassy smile sellotaped behind the desk.

Celandine looked quite at home. She'd kicked off her shoes, one of which had become a combat boot laced with a ribbon that was an eye-burningly vivid cross between pink and purple, and put her feet up on one end of the sofa. Misty was inexplicably standing on the wall.

"Wow. Celandine, that's such a big rock." she said, without any enthusiasm at all.

The Pokemon watched, fascinated, as the diamond in Celandine's engagement ring turned into a large boulder.

"Yes, it's a lovely Diamond."

The rock turned into a diamond. A shapeless greyish diamond, but still a diamond. It had to be a diamond, because it had a big sign saying 'Diamond' on it.

Suddenly, ten hours passed. Bulbasaurina overbalanced and fell over. Togepi laughed hysterically.

"She calls that warping time? I can warp time better than that with both hands tied behind my –"

"Togepi, shut up." Pikachu was looking around. "Can you see something over there?"

"Actually…"

Something a rather unpleasant shade of purplish-red was poking out from behind a cardboard postbox just visible through one of the windows. Pikachu sidled out and over to it while Celandine flipped the TV back to those strange yellow people, and whispered, "Psst!"

At least, he tried to. Jessie and James probably never heard him, on account of the way that Jessie immediately leapt out from behind the postbox (this time dressed as a swashbuckling buccaneer, complete with wobbly rubber sword) and declaimed, "Prepare for trouble!"

"Oh, brilliant, it's Team Rocket."

James hopped out on the other side, dressed up as a can-can dancer and frantically pulling on a high-heeled buckled boot.

"And make it double!" he gasped out before overbalancing and falling to the ground.

"Team Rocket would make much better allies if they weren't so obvious." Togepi commented. Ash, Misty, Brock, and Celandine had filed out of the Pokemon Centre and were watching with a kind of scientific detachment as Team Rocket went through the motto. Idly, Pikachu wondered why. The Twerps had all heard the motto so many times, they must be able to recite it backwards in Pig Latin while standing on their heads. Then he remembered that it was all Celandine's fault.

Jessie said her lines and then surreptitiously kicked James in the ribs.

"James! James, your line!"

"To unite all peoples within our nation…" James gasped out, finally getting the boot on and scrambling up. Then he tripped on his skirt and fell down again.

"I see what you mean about obviousness."

"Pity we couldn't get Butch and Cassidy. At least they're useful."

"No, Butch and Cassidy wouldn't do. They're gleefully evil, whereas Jessie and James are just inept and desperate for success. They're much easier to direct.

"Surrender now, or prepare to fight!" Team Rocket finished, finally.

"Meowth, dat's right!"

Jessie struck a pose. "Hand over Celandine and no-one gets hurt!"

There was a long silence during which even Jessie realised she'd said something wrong, possibly because Pikachu had slumped against the postbox with his face buried in his hands and Vulpix was repeatedly slamming her head against a convenient wall.

"Hey, why are de twoips-"

Meowth didn't even get to finish the sentence before Celandine's Flareon's 'Fire Soul' attack – the Pokemon still hadn't worked out that one – hit them.

"Team Rocket's blasting off again!" they chorused, as they flew off into the sky and disappeared with their usual cheery twinkle.

"That was….anti-climatic."

"You do have a point about recruiting Butch and Cassidy. Though the Sue did get to them, so they might be harder to convince."

"Or we could just clue Jessie and James in. If they said something like 'We're here to escort Celandine to the Boss because he's seen the error of his ways and wants to beg for forgiveness' they'd get her like that." Togepi didn't snap his fingers, because he lacked any fingers to snap, but if he'd had any, he would have done.

"Wouldn't work. You'd need to add about fifty points to their IQs."

Togepi looked thoughtful.

"Don't even think it, Togepi. We'll have to fight these people again when Celandine's dead."

Togepi stopped looking thoughtful and looked sulky instead.

"Now we must travel to my home gym of Rosewood Gym and challenge my mother, Mynestroni, for only then can I become a true Pokemon Mistress!"

"No such thing, Sue."

"She's stealing Ash's dream! How dare she!"

"Togi!"

"Pikachu?" Vulpix nudged him gently. "Pikachu, you're sparking."

Pikachu extinguished the sparks with an irritable glower. Togepi waddled back from several feet away.

"Don't do that, it's irritating. Not that it would harm me in any way, of course." he added hastily, in case anyone had forgotten his position as Resident Uber-Powerful Time-Biding Pokemon.

"Here we are at Rosewood Gym!"

Pikachu looked up. They didn't appear to have moved at all. There was the Pokemon Centre on the left, windows casting oblongs of light on the cobbles, and – he looked to the right. What had been a shop selling fruit and vegetables had now become a Pokemon Gym. It was quite incontestably a Gym. It had 'GYM' in big letters over the door. What was worrying Pikachu now was the lack of windows or, indeed, anything else. No walls, no columns, just a sheer wall of white-painted brick - or, alternatively, cardboard - rising up like a cliff.

Celandine and the Twerps disappeared inside. Pikachu squared his shoulders and stood straight. "Once more into the breach, my friends."

Vulpix moved up beside him. "It's cardboard. It'll burn." More to herself than to Pikachu, she repeated 'It'll burn. It'll burn to the ground."

Pikachu grinned at her and ran after Ash.


End file.
